How To Make Keyboard Trays Into Shelves

Ergonomic experts love keyboard trays. The rest of the world is far more split; some folks like having the keyboard and mouse slide out from under their desks, while others just find it annoying to bump their knees into the trays.

In the office where I work, the latter sentiment has become dominant. I think the desks are a bit shorter than most, so the trays hang down even closer to the ground than usual.

Keyboard tray

It may look innocent, but it’s hell on the thighs.

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The War on Independence Day

Looking forward to the Fourth of July? Going to celebrate with cookouts and fireworks?

Oh, are you ever part of the problem.

You’d think, with all the ultra-nationalism surrounding Memorial Day and Veterans Day, that Independence Day would get the same respect. But we don’t even call it that most of the time. If a store saying “Season’s Greetings” or “Happy Holidays” is enough to constitute a War on Christmas, than surely this indicates a War on Independence Day:

There is no other holiday that we identify primarily by its date. There’s September 11, but that’s more because we never came up with an adequate name or description for the events of that day, and we can’t be as collectively traumatized by our own declaration of independence as we are by a terrorist attack, can we? When did this tendency to say “the Fourth of July” or “July Fourth” instead of “Independence Day” begin, and why?

Independence Day movie posters

If it was the movie on the left, why didn’t the movie on the right cancel it out?

There’s at least one company that remembers the reason for the season. They sent me an e-mail yesterday morning about their respectful celebration containing the following graphic:

Independence Day HP

Not a flag or revolutionary document in sight, but explosions and coupons because America.

Just to get the point across even more blunty I might start calling it To Hell With You, Britain, Though We’ll Still Watch Your Television and Listen To Your Music Day.

Everything I Know About Twitter I Should Have Learned From Star Trek: The Next Generation: Birth of the Federation

There’s one computer game I’ve been playing off and on since roughly 1999, called Star Trek: The Next Generation: Birth of the Federation. Somehow Activision didn’t get the memo from the Star Trek: The Next Generation movies to drop the whole The Next Generation bit and just go with Star Trek to keep things brief. The immediate Internet consensus was to acronym-ize the last bit and just refer to it as BOTF.

Title Screen

Or ARRTMTM (All Rights Reserved Trademark Trademark)

It’s a turn-based strategy game in which you build up your resources and expand the number of star systems in your territory through colonization, diplomacy, or conquest. Of course you meet up with other residents of the Star Trek universe and can choose to either play nice or flail your weapons at them.

The best games hold our attention because they reflect something in real life. In BOTF’s case, it’s interpersonal and political relationships: the inherent disparities in power, influence, and personality that shape how we all act toward one another.

Even more than real life, I’ve come to believe that BOTF serves as a useful model for understanding another universe that is almost, but not quite, but really not at all, reality: Twitter. Some social mores are ignored, some are exaggerated, and a whole bunch of personalities that may or may not actually exist come into contact the more you explore.

Everyone’s Twitter network starts out small, just as one’s galactic territory in BOTF does.

Star Systems

That’s you, your friend who insisted you get on Twitter, and your Mom & Dad sharing one account.

As you send your scout ship in search of new life and new civilizations, you meet some. But since this is a franchise game, who you really meet are races you’re already familiar with, at least if you’re an obsessive fan like me. Klingons are warlike but mostly honorable, Vulcans are brilliant and emotionless.

Some races will befriend your empire right away – either out of fear you’ll decimate them or actual common bonds. Likewise, your friends will probably follow you on Twitter because they really want to or just think you’ll be offended if they don’t.

The power players on Twitter with millions of followers – your Gagas, your Biebers – are to the five major empires available to play in BOTF: the Federation, Klingons, Romulans, Ferengi, and Cardassians. They each start out with at least one planet containing dilithium, the key to making faster-than-light ships so they can colonize other star systems. Some minor races have that as well, but they don’t have the advantage the playable empires do: namely, the ability to absorb other races into their sphere of influence and eventually control their resources for themselves. When Lady Gaga tells her fans to jump, or put their paws up, or whatever, you better believe they do.

Meanwhile, us regular folk trying to build a following on Twitter are more like Mizarians, who surrender as soon as a player encounters them. If you’re really lucky and can harness the influence of your employer or some organization you’re part of in real life, you can maybe manage to be the Talarians or Zakdorn.

Zakdorn

“We’re kind of a big deal.”

Eventually you realize that no matter how addicting it is, you’re not exactly having fun. You might feel like you’re accomplishing something, but it’s all in this alternate digital universe; you get a lot more done when you’re not spending all your time on Twitter/playing turn-based strategy games.

Wil Wheaton retweet

Until Wil Wheaton tweets about you and WORLDS COLLIDE.

No, You Do Not Have An Android

I tried to submit this infographic to Cracked, and it was roundly rejected by the editors:

…man it’s hard for me to imagine the readers being that mad at people who don’t always remember to put the word “phone” at the end when talking about their android phone. I think you should talk to a professional about that.

They’re probably right, but see, androids are already a thing, correct? Just not YET. And historians are going to look back and see this weird period where people talked about owning androids and be all, “Nobody owned androids then, they weren’t invented for another 50 years, WTF?” because future people talk in run-on sentences and current slang acronyms.

Anyway, click on the preview below to see the full (large) graphic.

No You Do Not Have An Android

Mr. Homn Is Grateful

I refuse to believe that 25 years of Star Trek: The Next Generation  fandom on the Internet has failed to produce the image below before now, especially given the vital role hyperlinks play in the construction of and currency for the Web, but I was unable to find anything like it already, so I made it myself. Please, if you find it as ridiculously hilarious as I do, steal it and use it any time someone links to your blog.

mr-homn-thank-you-for-the-links

And if you don’t find it ridiculously hilarious, you clearly haven’t watched “Haven” recently enough.