Every Rand Brand Store Item in One Image (plus Highlights)

No one can accuse Rand Paul of being unprepared to run for president. In addition to the standard biography, list of issues and stances, and volunteer opportunities, his Web site includes one other way to draw in supporters.

Make that more than 70 ways.

Every Rand Brand Store Item in One Image small

Click for massive full-size image

On the day after he formally began his 2016 campaign, Paul’s online store contained 71 items in six categories. The number has only gone up since then, with four Hillary Clinton-themed products joining the fray over the weekend. (Three exhort the viewer to choose the abstract concept of “liberty” over Clinton, while the fourth is a $99.95 non-functional IDE hard disk, circa 2004, labeled “Hillary’s Hard Drive” in reference to her private email server.)

Not only are many of the selections in this Cafe Pressish / Zazzlesque shop pleasantly goofy, the descriptions were clearly written by someone on a tight deadline with only a bag of candy for sustenance. The graphic above shows those initial 71 items (and no, I’m totally not updating it), but for a peek without loading the whole 10MB file, read on.


By the time I was screenshotting Rand Paul’s store, these beach shoes had been designated “sandals”, but apparently they debuted as “Rand Paul Flip Flops“. Wisely, someone at the campaign decided that having the complete sentence “Rand Paul flip flops” on their own Web site might not be the best idea. It could make people question whether the candidate had not steadfastly held his current (you know, correct) beliefs since birth. If, to use the vernacular, he had “flip flopped“. Wait, even the printed slogan flip flops between the left and right, uh, sandals? Huh. Rand Paul Flip Flops.


Chances are, you have an iPad mini. I mean, everyone does, right? Or at least 51% of Paul’s target demographic does, presumably? Who also need to be informed about this great little flick called Star Wars?


This license plate frame is shown on the back of a truck, so if it’s “coming at” you, you can be fairly certain the driver doesn’t see you. Also, Rand, small correction: it’s “Show the worlds who are coming at them.”


Okay, first, “freedom” isn’t actually on the sign. Second, everyone knows it’s just another word for nothing left to lose. Third, I’m pretty sure my neighbors have a reference point for it other than a historically inaccurate movie. Fourth, does a long-haired man in a skirt wearing makeup really speak to your conservative niche?


Why does there need to be an account representative involved? Didn’t you already put the artwork … ohhhhh, I see, you just copied and pasted the generic description of “Custom Team Socks” from your supplier(?), VictoryStore. Well done. While you’re over there, could you pick me up one of the two Democratic Gifts (which are just two military-themed teddy bears), 19 Republican Gifts (including the exact same teddy bears), and/or 27 Promposal Products? Thanks.


Let me stop you right there. No, it would not be “fun” to have dudebro Rand Paul in my house ranting to the dark about political philosophies. It would be “trespassing”.


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