REJECTED: Press Conference: iPhone 5 Responds to Rumors

Every now and then, I slam out something unsolicited with a particular publication in mind. More often than not, they don’t want it, so it goes here. In this case, it was McSweeney’s Internet Tendency.

Thank you all for coming.

I’d like to address some of the rumors and innuendo about me that have been circulating in the press. I tried for a very long time to keep out of the media spotlight, but recent stories have become truly invasive and distracting. I’m here to set the record straight.

First, my screen size: yes, it will be larger than in the past. The lurid fascination with exact specifications has, frankly, bewildered me and my family – as if a diagonal measurement of 4.1 inches rather than 4.3 inches, for example, would seriously affect your purchase decision, or a 1080 x 720 pixel resolution would be acceptable while 1136 x 640 would not.

Of course any change in my screen will alter my overall dimensions. Every previous iteration of my design has been slightly different from the one before, and this upcoming refresh will be no different. Let me assure you, a plethora, nay, a panoply of compatible accessories will be released concurrently with and shortly after my unveiling. There is no need for anxiety on that count.

Therefore, precise numbers will not be provided to the press at this time. I will only confirm the rumor that my screen will indeed be larger. Measurements by the media are more than welcome once I have been officially released.

As for that release date: an announcement is forthcoming in mid-September. As a culture, we have become far too reliant on instant gratification. Instead, I choose to focus on an orderly product update cycle and premium features that benefit the greatest number of consumers. My schedule may not match your ideal one, but it is designed with the common good in mind.

Finally, I must address the curiosity regarding my 30-pin dock connector. The speculation on this matter has been rampant to the point of irresponsible. Whether my dock connector will continue to be one inch wide or be reduced in size to accommodate narrower cables should be of no concern to anyone who claims to hold my well-being as their highest priority.

I hope any further rumors will lay quiet, and my privacy will be respected, until my release. Thank you again.